She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
wow bdsm is so cute
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
