apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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