I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
