My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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