i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
