I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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