Old men and throwing up are my life now.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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