I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
