I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize