Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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