Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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