Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
