I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
