He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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