i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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