I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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