She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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