i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
