Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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