I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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