My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
