You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
