She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
