Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
