nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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