Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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