you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
