dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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