I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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