I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
