At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
