how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
