Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
