What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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