Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize