So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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