Please, let me fuck your mom
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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