see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
