my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
