I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize