I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
