...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
