Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize