Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
