you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
