she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I need to calm my uterus...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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