best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
