I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize