I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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