Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
