he seriously made his penis a facebook.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
