I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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