just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
