I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
