I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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