My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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