Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
