She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
