My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
