If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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