Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
