direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
it's great music for shaving your balls
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
